Bitter
the level of bitter when your jaw locks, saliva floods your mouth and your eye twitches closed?
Dearest Wednesday reader,
How are you?
There was no email from me last week. I did sit down to write you one, the words that came out just weren’t for a newsletter. You know the saying “If you haven’t got something nice to say – don’t say anything at all”? It wasn’t that I didn’t have nice things to say, it’s that the words on the page I was trying to send to you had such long back stories that whatever I was trying to say and move through me was coming out bitter. You know the level of bitter when your jaw locks, saliva floods your mouth and your eye twitches closed? Yeah, that bitter.
So, I didn’t send one, and the promise to myself, that I broke was also running through my body (the promise to write an email every Wednesday).
I have been listening to this book on audible (I think every woman needs to listen to it) and I quickly let go of the feelings around not sending an email. My mindset changed.
We are women, we are cyclical beings. Yes, there needs to be structure and discipline in what we are creating and the promises we keep to ourselves. There also needs to be grace, love, pleasure, and understanding that not everything needs to be outward facing. I was forcing the writing of an email and it didn’t want to be shared. I was getting frustrated because, what wanted to come out, was not what I wanted to put in an email. And you know what? Our intuition, creativity, heart – whatever you want to call it, knows way better than our minds. I realize now, that if I would have stepped out of the way and let flow what needed to move through me and spent more time in the creative flow state I know, rather than getting frustrated, I probably would have sent an email full of wisdom. The frustration stemming from being too far inside my own head, and I knew this, I could feel it; and the more I felt it the more I got frustrated. I know the freedom of words pouring out of me how they need to, and the magic it creates in my body, I could not lower my own bullshit to let my heart and fingers flying across the keyboard to take over. But I got the shits wrote a few paragraphs and closed the document without saving, because I didn’t feel like it was worthy of sending to you, and after further listening of this book – it reminded me I was deep in scarcity.
Something that gave me extreme pleasure and a feeling of abundance was a remote photo session last Friday night with a group of 4 beautiful women in England (I LOVE that I get to photograph women all over the world)– grandma, mum and two daughters. Now that session flowed beautifully. I am becoming more addicted to these remote sessions. We had Martin (husband, dad, grandpa) as the human tripod for the 45 minutes; and he was fun, observant and a brilliant, intuitive assistant in holding the phone so I could capture the women in his family as the works of art they are. That is another element of the remote session, it is generally a male family member as the human tripod, it is fascinating collaborating with them in moving the phone and being guided by their suggestions in composition, it feels like an honor to take some photos of how they see the women in their family or to hear how they direct the women they love. I feel so privileged to do this work, and be able to record the details and relationships of women in the family. It is interesting to me. The session was getting grandma ready for the photo shoot (combining her Indian and Scottish heritage) and then the “actual” photo shoot. The daughter and the granddaughters treating grandma like a Queen in dressing her, helping her with her jewelry, the kindness and gentle movements of clasping bracelets and necklaces, the interaction of sliding rings on fingers and gazing in vintage hand mirrors, the similarity of generations of women in their mannerisms, smiles, movements. The exchanges of similar looks, and shared humor. The legacy Grandma has created in the women in her family. These sessions are not just photos they are an experience in seeing. Seeing the women, and how important they are.
I still have not reinstalled the Instagram app on my phone, it has been 33 days and I love it. I am very aware it would be easy for me to become a recluse. I do miss the few friends I have made on the app, I miss cheering them on with hearts, comments and DM’s. I am enjoying the quiet and clarity that comes from not listening to other opinions, thoughts, must do’s, trending audio. The Monday morning report that is delivered to my phone telling me the hours spent in the last week on my phone, and the break down of the time on each app, is confirmation of my choice at the moment in enjoying this inward time.
Remote photo session
If you would like to experience a remote photo session with me via the Shutter app
I have sessions available for:
Mothers of all ages from new born to great grandmas. Motherhood sessions are an experience in seeing the intertwining of relationships, they are a time of connection, and seeing the motherhood facet.
Portrait sessions if you would prefer a personal experience of being seen and heard as the work of art you are.
Have a beautiful week
Love Melinda